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Lost and Found/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey, Wanda. Wanda Dollard: Hey, Lacey. Bad news. The Sarah Harden concert's sold out. Lacey: Oh, no. Wanda: Thanks to me. Because I scooped the last two tickets. Lacey: Oh, you are amazing! Oh, Wanda, you rock! Brent Leroy: Yeah, you rock! Who's Sarah Harden? Lacey: Oh, she's new. Brent: Ah, I'm not up on that new stuff. Wanda: You're not up on it or into it? Brent: I might be into it if I was up on it. But I'm not up on it, so I'm not into it. What I'm into, I'm up on. Lacey: I'm mostly into what I'm up but even thought I'm not up on the new stuff, but I'm sorta into it. Brent: I'm down with that. Wanda: Prepositions are fun, aren't they? Brent: What's a preposition? Brent: Hey, Wanda, can you move your car? Wanda: Okay, okay. Brent: No, I mean can you move it with all that dirt on it? Wanda: Don't knock the dirt. It's the only thing keeping my bumper on. Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent. What are you doing, stackin' wiper fluid? Brent: That's uncanny. Are you sure you've never worked at a gas station before? Hank: Let me give you a hand. Brent: No, no. That's all right. I, I got it. Wanda's got it. Wanda. Wanda: Let Useless help. Hank: Yeah, let me help. Brent: No, no. Wanda's an ace at this. They call her the Stackinator. Oscar Leroy: Here. Emma Leroy: What's this? Oscar: The shelf you asked for, for your recipe books. Emma: When did I ask for a shelf? Oscar: It took me a while. Emma: I asked for this when Brent was a kid. Oscar: Like I say, it took a while. Emma: What are you building next, that change table for the nursery? Oscar: I'm gettin' to it. Emma: Why do you clutter up the house with all this junk? Oscar: It's a hobby. Emma: Get a new hobby. Oscar: Fine. Maybe I'll go for a walk somewhere I'm appreciated. Emma: That'll be a long walk. Oscar: Oh-ho-ho. Emma: On your way out, take out the garbage. Hank: Sure, she's good, nice form. I could do better. Brent: Yeah, but, uh, it's a union thing. So off ya go. See you later. Talk to you soon. Hank: OK. Let me know if you need a hand or extra set of eyes. Two heads are better than one. Brent: Geez, what's your donor card look like? Wanda: I'm in a union? Brent: You wish. No, it's just Hank's got some fencing to do. Not the skinny sword kinda fencing. Wanda: Oh, fencing. He's gonna buy some stolen merchandise? Brent: No, the actual fence kinda fencing, around his cousin's farm. It's ugly, physical grunt work. Wanda: Oah! I can't imagine. Brent: See, if I let him help me now, that's a chip he can use to get me to help him later. So, I'm not building up any favour debt. Wanda: Oh, I see. So while you're playing geopolitics, I'm left stacking wiper fluid. Brent: Yeah. It's a win-win. Oscar: Tell me to get a new hobby. Don't blame me if your recipe books get all wonky. A perfectly good pair of pants. Davis Quinton: I don't think you should be doing that on duty. It sends the wrong message. Karen Pelly: What, that I'm incredibly athletic? Davis: No. That I'm friends with someone who plays Hacky Sack. Karen: This is not a Hacky Sack. This is my new footbag. Hacky Sack is a brand name, like, uh, Kleenex. People call it Kleenex even if the Kleenex they're using is some other kinda Kleenex. Davis: I don't see cops on TV Hacky Sacking. Lenny, from "Law & Order", he wouldn't Hack Sack. Karen: It's all in the knee. Davis: But that other guy from "Law & Order" might Hacky Sack. Karen: Knee, knee. Davis: But they don't show him Hacky Sacking. That part of his life isn't depicted on screen. Karen: Are you checkin' out this knee action! Oscar: Look at this, a perfectly good pair of pants. Wanda: I'm gonna act like he's talking to you. Oscar: I found them by the side of the road. Who leaves a pair of pants by the road? Brent: That is weird. Pickin' up a stranger's pants and carrying them around, that's perfectly normal. Oscar: Can't just leave them there. That's pants. It would be a waste, a waste of pants. Wanda: Nobody likes pant waste. Brent: Geez, I hope it's not genetic. Wanda: Are you kidding? You're getting more like him every day. Brent: Oh! Don't be a jackass. Lacey: Hey, Brent. Would you help me lug a buffer? Brent: It doesn't sound like something I would do. Lacey: I'm redoing the floors in the Ruby. It's a huge job. Brent: I know where you're comin' from. I had to phone a guy and order a new candy rack. Wanda: And you figure that's a huge job, do you? Dialling all those numbers. Brent: Well, I guess not. But it holds a lot of candy. That's my point. Lacey: How much candy? Brent: Much, much, a rack's worth. Oscar: Look at this. Perfectly good and a perfect fit. Wanda: Eeeuw! Brent: And there it is, a brand new low. Lacey: What? They look just fine. Wanda: You missed Chapter 1, where he found those pants in a ditch. Lacey: Eeeuw! Brent: Eeeuw! Wanda: Eeeuw! Oscar: Oh. Karen: I can see why people like to call footbags Hacky Sacks. It's fun to say. Hacky Sack, Hacky Sack, Hacky, Hacky Sack. Lacey: Karen, no Hacky Sacking in the restaurant. Karen: Is that a rule? Because I don't see a sign. Lacey: I can't have a sign for everything. Read the sign. Karen: Fine. I'll go outside. Although, technically, this is a footbag. Davis: I hate that Hacky Sack. Karen: Footbag. Oscar: A new low, huh? Tcheah! Brent: You're not gonna bring the candy rack inside the store? Candyrack Deliveryman: I'm not gonna lie to you, sir. There was a time when we did that. But there's been some shake-ups in the candy rack industry and we no longer provide that level of service. Brent: I appreciate your honesty. Hank: Oh, I got it. Brent: No, no, that's okay. Hank: No, no, I'm here. Brent: No, that's all right. Wanda's gonna get it. Wanda, you getting... Hank: Well, there ya are. Just call me the Rackinator. Brent: Yeah, I, uh, I guess I owe ya one. Hank: Ah, what's one between friends. But, yeah, ya do. See ya, buddy. Brent: Could you do that outside? Karen: Okay. Geez. You could put up a sign. Lacey: You seem happy. Hank: Ho, ho, ho, I really stuck it to Brent just now. I helped him carry somethin' into the gas station. Lacey: Oh. Way to twist the knife. Hank: Yeah. But I can't get complacent. If I don't watch it, my back, he'll do somethin' nice for me. Lacey: Wow. You sounds like you two are deep in the throws of something I don't care about. Hank: Yeah. I just did a little one, and Brent owes me one. And the one he's doin' back is a big one. So, in a way, I won, for once. See? Make sense? Lacey: Huh? No, not even a little bit. Davis: Nice rack! What's it hold? Brent: A rack's worth, a rack and a half. Davis: It's big. Did they carry it in for you? Brent: They don't do that anymore. Where have you been? Lacey: Wanda, the concert starts at 8:00, so we should leave around 6:00. Wanda: Okay. We can take my car. Oh, I should warn you, it's a little dirty. Brent: It's filthy. Karen: Where is it? Wanda: It's parked out front. It's dirty, but it's not filthy. Karen: Come on, a joke's a joke, but where did you put it? Davis: Put what? Lacey: Karen, we don't know what you're talking about. Brent: Yeah, we're not up on it, or into it. Karen: My footbag, or my Hacky Sack, as you would call it. Lacey: Did somebody take Karen's sack ball? Karen: Oh, okay. I get it. You guys didn't take it. So, uh, you don't mind if I, uh, look for it back here? Wanda: Ooh! Look, but don't touch. Brent: Let me know how this ends. You know what? Don't bother. Karen: Seriously, you guys, a joke's a joke. But I want my Hacky Sack back. Davis: We don't know where it is. Karen: Okay. I guess, uh, I'll go look for it in The Ruby. Am I getting warmer? Wanda: You're getting weirder. Karen: Where's my Hacky Sack? Brent: Engine trouble? Need a hand? Hank: No. No, I, no. Brent: Why is the hood up, curiosity? Hank: No. I'm just checkin' my wiper fluid. Brent: Wiper fluid? I got lots. Hank: No. No, it's fine. I just, I just checked it. Brent: Gas? You're pulled up by the pumps. Hank: Yes, I do need gas, which I'll pay for. Look, let me help. Brent: Hank, it's my job. Hands off, Hank. Hank: I got it. Brent: Give it up. Emma: What's this junk? Oscar: It's not junk. It's treasure. Emma: Treasure. You'd make a lousy pirate. Oscar: I'll have you know, I found all this stuff, sittin' by the side of the road. Emma: No kidding? I'm shocked. Oscar: You wanted me to get a new hobby. This is it. Emma: Wandering around picking up trash isn't a hobby, it's more like a symptom. Oscar: Trash, huh? I'll think you'll change your tune once you check out my piece of twine. Yeah, that's right. Free twine. Who's laughin' now. Emma: I'm asking you nice. Stop bringing home garbage. Oscar: Why? It's not hurtin' anyone. Fitzy Fitzgerald: How you doin', Wade? Wade: Well, not so good. I can't find any damn garbage. Fitzy: I'm not sure we need Wade anymore. Wade: Sorry, kids. No Christmas this year. Oscar: I mean, sure, maybe Wade, the garbage man, will get fired. So what? Brent: You find it? Karen: No, I didn't, as you well know. Give me back my Hacky Sack! Wanda: We didn't take your Hacky Sack. Brent: Honest, Karen, I swear. Karen: Okay, I believe you. Really, I do. Wanda: Good. Karen: All right, you got me to believe you. Your joke is now complete. So where's my Hacky Sack? Davis: Just got a call. Hank's stuck on the East Grid Road. He needs a boost. Brent: Perfect. I'm on my way. Wanda: No, Brent. Let Davis and Karen get it, especially Karen. Brent: No, Hank's my buddy and I owe him one. This is my one that I owe him and I'm gonna give it to him. Karen: I want my Hacky Sack back. Davis: Please, give her back her Hacky Sack. Lacey: Okay, try it now. Hank: Thanks, Lacey. I owe ya one. Ha, ha, hey, Brent. Brent: Well, way to go. Thanks a lot. Lacey: What? I was driving by, he needed a boost, so I gave him one. Brent: No, you gave him my one. Lacey: Is this that thing Hank was talkin' about? Brent: Well, if you knew, why did you give my one away? Emma: Drop it. Oscar: It's an Indian arrowhead. Emma: It's a rock. Oscar: It's a piece of history. Emma: It's not an arrowhead. It's not even pointed. Oscar: It's the kind they used for practice. It's like a blank. They improve their aim and nobody gets hurt. Emma: You're an idiot. Cree Guy #1 (in Cree): This is the crappiest arrow you've ever made. It's not even pointed. Cree Guy #2 (in Cree): It's for practice. Cree Guy #1 (in Cree): You're really slipping. Cree Guy #2 (in Cree): You're just leaving it there? Cree Guy #1 (in Cree): Some idiot will pick it up, eventually. Oscar: Little treasures everywhere, and nobody sees them. People are ignorant. Emma: Some are. Brent: So, thanks to you, I still owe Hank one. Lacey: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Hey, Hank owes me one, right? Brent: Yes, he owes you my one. Lacey: What if I call in a favour, get Hank to help me with something and then you show up and help Hank help me? Brent: So I'd do one for him while he's doin' one for you. Henceforth, I've given him one and I won't owe him one. Lacey: Well, not the proper use of "henceforth," but, yeah, that's the idea. Brent: I'm into that, I'm up on it, I'm down with it, I'm all over it. Lacey: Now, what favour could we get Hank to do? Brent: This is workin' like a charm. Hank has no idea. What a maroon! Lacey: Mmhmm. You sure showed him. Karen: I want my Hacky Sack! Oscar: Hey, this is my road. You're poaching. Karen: What? No. I, I'm looking for something I lost. Well, it was taken from me. Oscar: Oh, yeah? What? Karen: My footbag. Oscar: It's called a sock, Einstein. Karen: No, a Hacky Sack. It's a bag about this big. I think someone took it as a joke. Oscar: How is that funny, taking your Happy Sack? Karen: Exactly. It was brand new. I really liked it. Oscar: Oh, I get it. It was brand new, you really liked it, and they took it from you. Yeah, that is funny. Oh! Oh! Look! Cork. Hank: Well, thanks for helping me out. Brent: This was a lot bigger one than that candy rack one, help-wise. Hank: Yeah, I guess. Wanda: Pathetic. Hank: What? Wanda: Lacey's got you doing her dirty work and you don't even realize it. Hank: What you're not considering is that maybe I like dirty work. Wanda: Do you? Hank: Holy, she's good. Brent: We're not gonna take this lyin' down. Now we owe her one. Hank: Yeah, but in a bad way, a bad one. Not a good one, not one amongst friends. Oh, no. This one's personal. Wanda: I think you know what you guys have to do. Brent: Oh-ho-ho, yeah. Hank: Oh, we know. Wanda: Would you like me to tell you? Brent: Yes, please. Oscar: Well, well, well. This oughta shut her up. Oscar: This should shut you up. Emma: McTavish's! Oh! I haven't seen one of those in years. Oscar: You used to drink that stuff like it was soda pop. Emma: It was soda pop. Pants and twine are one thing, but this is a real antique. Oscar: Damn straight. But don't run down the twine. Emma: Maybe this is a fun hobby we could do together. Let's go now. Bring the box. Let's see what else we can find. Oscar: Hah-hah! Now you're talkin'. Hank: I like this plan. Brent: We got her on the ropes now. Lacey: Hey, what are you guys doin'? Hank: Oh, ah, just cleaning Wanda's car before you two drive off to that big concert. Lacey: Aw, that is so nice. Brent: Yeah. Although I guess you could say that Wanda owes us one. Hank: Yeah. And, hey, Lacey, didn't Wanda get you the tickets for this big concert? Lacey: Yeah. Hank: So, I guess Lacey owes Wanda one. Brent: Hmmm. And correct me if I'm wrong, Hank, but if Lacey owes Wanda one and Wanda owes us one, I guess you could say, in effect, Lacey owes us one. Hank: Check and mate. The hunters become the hunted. The fox becomes the fox that is catching himself. Lacey: Okay. I guess you got me. Brent: Oh, that's right. Walk away. But we're pullin' the strings now. Hank: Yeah. Dance, monkey, dance. Brent: Monkey? Hank: Mmhmm. Brent: If it's on strings, it's not a monkey, it's a puppet. Hank: Some monkeys have strings, string monkeys. Give me the shammy. Davis: There you go, partner, a brand new footbag. Karen: Hacky Sack. Davis: I thought you said it was called a footbag. Karen: But this is an actual Hacky Sack brand Hacky Sack. Davis: Oh. But you can still kick it, right? And you won't have to talk about it anymore? Karen: Thanks, Davis. This is nice, real nice. Although I liked mine. I miss my Hacky Sack. Why'd you steal my Hacky Sack, Davis? Davis: Ah, I remember when I used to work alone. Karen: It's not funny. A joke's a joke, but enough is enough. Enough jokes are enough and not funny. Oh. Davis: What? Karen: Um, nothing. I've decided to forgive you for stealing my Hacky Sack. But it wasn't funny. Oscar: This is gonna be fun. I'm glad you came around. Shouldn't we be stoppin' pretty soon? Emma: I asked you nice. You left me no choice. Oscar: Huh? What did you do that for? Emma: No more junk in the house. Oscar: Well, throwin' by the side of the road, who's that gonna help? Fitzy: What a mess! We need to rehire Wade. Wade: Hey, kids, I got ya bikes! Lacey: I have to admit, that was a pretty good scheme. Brent: Well, schemin's what I do. Hank: Actually, it was Wanda's plan. Lacey: Oh. So you guys owe Wanda one? Brent: Yeah, I guess we do. Wanda: Actually, getting you guys to wash the car wasn't my idea. It was Lacey's. Hank: That backfired on her. Brent: Wait a minute. It was Lacey's idea? Lacey: Uh-huh. So I guess you don't owe Wanda one. You owe me one. Hank: We owe Lacey one, Lacey owes us one. Lacey: So nobody owes anybody one. Wanda: But, ah, thanks for washing my car. Lacey: And doing my floor. Brent: I think I finally understand the word cahoots. Hank: I've seen monkeys on strings. Brent: Oh, you have not. Wanda: Come on! Ooah! Nuts! Brent: Car trouble? Lacey: We're gonna miss the concert. Hank: Well, we could help you, but then you'd owe us one. Lacey: This is your fault. Wanda: My fault? It was your scheme to pull some kind of scheme. Kirk Berkley: Look at this, a perfectly good pair of pants. Category:Transcripts